Ch1: So it begins

“ALUCARD!”

Sir Integra’s angry yells could be heard all throughout Hellsing headquarters. And the same thought crossed all of the building’s occupants’ minds.
What had Alucard done now?
The next thing that could be heard was gunshots, and Walter and Seras had to stifle laughs from outside the door of Integra’s office. She had actually shot Alucard! Not that it was an uncommon occurrence; in fact it seemed to be her favorite stress reliever. However, it was a red flag indicator that she was truly mad at Hellsing’s top vampire hunter.
Inside the office, Integra held her head in her hand, and sighed. “So let me get this straight.” She lit a cigar, thinking that she might need an entire box of them to calm down after Alucard’s latest incident. “Walter blackmailed you into mowing the lawn, but you poured diesel fuel into the gas tank by accident. And,” she gestured to the wall, where a seven by five foot gaping hole gave her a lovely view of the garden beneath. “This happened.” Despite her rage, Integra couldn’t help but chuckle as she imagined what kind of information Walter was blackmailing Alucard with. She made a mental note to ask the butler about it later.
Alucard nodded.

Integra groaned again. Her left eyebrow twitched, and she loaded her gun again. As she aimed and prepared to fire, a perfectly evil plan came to mind. She set down her gun and began to cackle insanely. Alucard blinked. And people thought his laugh was insane. Obviously they had never heard Integra’s.

“Alright Alucard.” Integra laced her fingers together and rested her chin on top of them, glaring at him evilly over her glasses. “Two can play at this game.” The vampire shifted his feet nervously. He didn’t like the sound of her voice.
An hour later, Alucard and Walter were waving as Integra’s chauffer pulled away with the Lady and Seras in the backseat. Integra had insisted that Seras accompany her on her little ‘vacation’ to get away from the stresses of work, aka Alucard.
-o-
Walter surveyed the hole in Integra’s office wall while Alucard paced, cursing everything from four eyed bosses with nothing better to do then shoot him in the head (Integra), to monocled jackasses who messed up the gasoline system (Walter), to the little white poodle next door and Father Anderson’s cactus plant.
“Well,” Walter concluded, straightening and adjusting his monocle. “It’s fixable, but we are going to need a few supplies.”
Alucard paled. “You mean…”
“Indeed. Road trip.”
“Dammit.”
-o-
Alucard sat sulking in the front passenger seat of Walter’s car. He pushed his sunglasses further up on his nose. Not only was he being dragged out into society, unarmed at that, it was broad daylight. Sure, sun wouldn’t kill him, but he hated it immensely. Alucard glared out the window, scaring small children.
“Alucard, you act like you’re being dragged into the fires of Hell itself,” Walter commented, stopping at a red light and looking over.
Alucard turned his glare onto Walter. Oh if the butler only knew the torture he was putting the vampire through. With a groan and a muttered curse, he turned back to scaring small children.
What he wouldn’t give to be back in his coffin.
Sighing, the vampire pulled his trademark hat down over his eyes and relaxed into his chair. Sunlight made him sleepy. Maybe when he woke up he would find out this was all some horrible nightmare.
No such luck. Alucard was shaken awake, none to gently, by Walter, announcing that they had arrived. The tall vampire stepped out of the car and found himself nose-to-nose with a giant sign, reading “ACME Hardware Store”, in fluorescent shades of green and yellow. “Why is it always ACME?” he wondered aloud, pondering the possible copyright infringements this store’s name was causing. This thought was not pondered long, however, as a crowd of impatient shoppers shoved him out of the way. He found himself trampled under the crowd, and Walter stood by the sign, making no move to help. The butler found the entire situation quite hilarious, and was still chuckling to himself as he made his way into the store, muttering something about karma. Alucard, his new abrasions and bruises healing, followed.
If he had thought that outside was bad, it was nothing compared to inside. Silence seemed to blanket over the store as they entered, all eyes on the crimson-clad vampire. A store associate walked up to Alucard, the man physically shaking with nerves.
“ I’ll have to ask you to remove your sunglasses,” the young man said timidly.
“Oh really,” said Alucard, grinning insanely, showing his fangs. He pulled his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose, far enough to give the salesman a good look at his blood red eyes. He shoved the sunglasses back up the bridge of his nose as the salesman ran away, screaming. Noise gradually came back to the shoppers, but it was significantly quieter, and everyone kept giving Alucard nervous looks out of the corner of their eyes.
Alucard turned to Walter. “And what the hell are you laughing at?”
-o-
The odd pair made their way through the hardware store. Slowly. It seemed that all the occupants of London were present in this particular hardware store, on this particular day. And they were back to making a lot of noise. It was a bit like Mardi Gras…except without the beads. And everyone had their shirt on.
Alucard had a scowl plastered on his face as he glared at the backs of people’s heads. Sparks flew out of his eyes, roasting various small objects on the shelves. “How long is this goddamn line going to take?” Alucard grouched, pulling down his hat.
Walter sighed, pondering running away like the hounds of Hades were on his trail and having a few stiff drinks and a pint of Chunky Monkey with Father Maxwell.
Alucard suddenly brightened. “Can I use a flamethrower?”
“No!”
“Please?”
“No!”
“But a flamethrower would be so much more efficient.”
“Alucard, you can’t just roast a bunch of people to save yourself five minutes of waiting in a hardware store.”
“…why not?”
“Alucard!”
-o-
The pair emerged from the hardware store twenty minutes later, Alucard laden with several bags and two cans of paint. The irate vampire dumped his load into the trunk of Walter’s car and slunk around to the passenger seat.
“Are we ready to go back yet?” he whined.
“Nope.”
Alucard had to restrain himself from lunging at the butler’s neck.
“We still have to get Integra a new desk, remember?”
Alucard’s scream echoed for an eighty mile radius, so loud he could have woken the dead.
A few wandering ghouls wondered what the hell was going on.
-o-
Walter pulled the car into an empty parking spot outside ACME Furniture store. Alucard, seeing the sign in all of its fluorescent glory, decided that the ACME people were stalking him, and decreed that when he was King of the World, all stores named ACME would be burned to the ground.
That was the last thought that crossed his mind before the pavement zoomed in out of nowhere and smacked him upside the head.
And here come the pretty birdies.
Walter could hardly contain his laughter as Alucard was stampeded for the second time that day. The butler was rolling on the ground, sides aching, desperately gasping for breath between giggles. Alucard found the situation slightly less funny then Walter and peeled himself off the ground, storming into the store.
“Not a word, butler. Not a word.”
The pair entered the furniture store, Alucard cursing under his breath and Walter chuckling. They were greeted by a salesman in a cheap plaid suit.
“We’re looking for furniture,” Alucard said, as if they would be shopping for anything else in a furniture store.
“I never would have guessed,” the salesman said dryly, adjusting the cuffs of his tacky suit. “Could you possibly be a little more specific?”
“A desk,” Alucard said, anxious to get out of the store.
“I see.”
Alucard, angered by the man’s slow responsiveness, pushed him out of the way and stormed past hi, determined to outwit the ACME stalkers and sarcastic salesmen in tacky suits. Walter, seeing no better option, followed him.
“Ok, here’s a desk, let’s go,” Alucard said, stopping by a piece of furniture.
“…Alucard, that’s a kitchen table.”
The vampire blinked, looking down at the round, glass topped table. “So it is.” And with that cryptic statement, Alucard gathered the shards of his dignity and stalked off.
-o-
After several more unsuccessful encounters with salesmen in the furniture store, Walter and Alucard managed to escape from the store with a desk in tow. After hauling it into the backseat, Walter glanced down at his shopping list.
“Next,” the butler began, “we are going—”
“Back into the first circle of Hell and out of the seventh?” Alucard asked hopefully.
“See Alucard? Shopping is already bringing out your happier side!”
Alucard wondered briefly what part of Hell was happy to Walter.
“As I was saying, we are going to return to the mansion—”
“And I’m free to sleep?” Alucard interrupted again.
“No! Listen to me! We are going back to the mansion and FIXING Integra’s office,” Walter said, spitting the last part out before the irate vampire could interrupt him again.
“Damn…” the vampire sighed, sinking back into the upholstering of his chair.